the last 2 days:
adapted from an extended message
basically rant 1 involved me not liking to share my friends. i ahve my international friends (beto, the guys) then my americans (roomate, year students). and its kind of awkward combining them b/c the american's all expect to be invited every week now along with me for sunday dinner (our tradition). whatever
rant 2: megan is a bitch. a lot of the time. and i hate it when girls blame pms, although that is her excuse this time around. she promised the boys she'd come over and make waffles on monday (this is sunday) and so i get a call monday night asking where we are. so i said that i specifically said i couldn't come since i had class then gave her the phone. she just goes to sleep instead of going over
so they're all annoyed with me instead of her, and i promise to come tuesday night instead (timo's last night in spain is weds, tonight)
so she of course decides to eat dinner at our house (9:30) and i just go to the guys after 8 and make everything w/ them, having a great time, pretending not to be a bit annoyed with her, and making sure they all remembered who it was that said she was coming over monday and didn't (aka not me). she comes for some reason (11pm) as i'm finishing waffles and beto is getting back from work. broods in a corner.
we go play beerpong as a rematch to the guys (we beat their asses 6:0 before then they kind of won 6:5 after that on thurs) and thats where it goes bad. she's competetive. so everytime the guys would make a cup she'd get worse. like a storm. calling them bitches assholes etc, and they call it all right back, good fun status for them, but i know she's on edge.
we lose finally to the third group and she just explodes, but quietly (for her at least). starts telling me how she doesn't think she can 'go back to that apartment ever again'
so i call off the next round and we move to the next bar before she can erupt. she stays behind a while. okay good. for some reason she decides to come to the next bar about 20 minutes later. we know a ton of people there so she chats a while, eventually comes back to talk w/ us. she's good, i'm good, another year-american dude and her lift me onto the bar ... good mood, right?
wrong. my camera no functionne nada, so i ask her to take a pic of three of the guys and i. i grab them and one that hadn't seen her since the beerpong bit (who beat us) said something random like whats up asshole, totally joking, obviously, but she explodes. wont take the picture, and i'm like yeah yeah, okay, hoping said mood shall pass. it doesn't, she turns her back on us and chats with timo who is dumbfounded. but is so nice he keeps chatting back.
i try talking with the 3 guys and just can't concentrate. i'm almost sober and am just simmering. pissed. realize i can't stay in the same 3 foot radius of her for much longer or i'll break down. so i try saying goodbye to beto (he gets clingy fyi) who doesn't want me to leave b/c in a month he'll be leaving for russia and we'll probably never see eachother again.
i start crying. in the fucing bar. while hugging him. tell him i'm going to the bathroom. get out don't see megan. so i say goodbye to everyone. see derek (american year dude who we always run into, he's chill) right on the way out who stops me and is like 'megan's in the bathroom, just wait for her a sec' i say no, i'll just text her i don't want to talk to ther right now, he says 'what happened i thoght you two were besties' and i see her coming up in my peripheral vision, so i say i'll tell him later if he wants, just to forget about it until then please. i tell her i'm leaving, she says if i wait ten minuets she's takng a taxi to leave (we like so fucking close, thats such a waste) but of course i can't handle a taxi ride w/ her, so i tell her i need the fresh air and if she leaves now she can walk with me but that i want to sleep for school. so i leave. stop and break down halfway home, chat with a homeless guy, then make it home around 5. she comes in around 7. this morning she wasn't waking up on her own so i asked if she was going to school (i was praying no). she didnt' come to class.
so yeah. i don't know where i'm at now. timo wants her at his party tonight (so he says) but i am no way bringing her unless she apologizes to tyler, and if she acts like that around me friends again, thats it.
I know I've told you this about a million times, but the best thing I did for myself, the thing that sparked the chain of events that led to the moments I still have, was go out and meet new people. The day I decided to do this was Halloween, and coincidentally the day I met Beto was Halloween as well. Through Beto I met Nick, Timo, Elody, Maxou, Sergio, Tyler, Manou, Juan, Matt, Uliana, Ryan (not as awesome as you), Francesca, Alessandro, and a bunch of awesome restaurant people whose names I never got straight. Basically these are all of the people I'm in photos with second semester and the ones who took care of me when I got hurt. I basically pretended to be a brave person and acted on impulses when it came to meeting new people, because hey, it's not like any of it will ever come back to haunt me. So, now that I'm done semi-lecturing you, I hope you come back with at least as many stories as I did and think of Sevilla as your city too, because you wont ever forget it.
but there's still this huge gap where spain was. and its something i know i can never go back to in my life. the same people will never be together, and it will be a long long time before i even get to be in that place again.
what really weirds me out is when i feel like i'm there. certain actions literally make me feel, if only for a fleeting second, that i'm back on the streets of the city i love. Every time i kiss alex a certain way, and close my eyes, i can feel the chilly december breeze on the streets on the day before i left for paris. its always the same place, just walking down calle pages del corro towards c/ salado. hell, i teared up today because of it. who cries when they kiss someone?
( What happened on )
Anyhow, i eventually moved on to a boot, then brace and can now walk, although my foot itself is oddly sore. I also ended up with Alex through a series of awkward events of which I should probably be slightly ashamed, but I'm not.
((beto loves me, i've been crushing on his roommate-sergio for over a month, and am kind of dating his best friend -juan))
and katy is visiting. i hate the way megan acts when she's around. pretty much can't count on her for anything whatsoever. like at all. i had the opportunity to do that job where you just chat with spaniards for a few hours a day, but i can't make all the shifts. megan was goign ot take the others, but no way now. whatever. i can make all the cash back in about 2 days once i'm back in california, but thats really not the point.
the fucked up part of all this is that i know he's still quite in love with me. but there's a huge huge part of me thats quite happy to see him going. partly just because of the complications, but hugely due to the fact that i am crushing hard on his room mate. yeah. i really did just say that.
remind me to introduce everyone to tinto when i get back. there is nothing better than lounging by the river during siesta sipping tinto. especially while someone esta tocanda una guitarra.
The snow also meant that I couldn't sit outside and read today, so I spent a couple of hours in the cathedral thinking/reflecting/whatever. I'm not sure how to say this the right way, but I am so thankful for what I have. Not just here, or in Irvine, but in Upland too, and everywhere. I have 3 cities now where I feel like I belong and it makes a little war go on within me as to which one really is *mine* but I am realizing that they can all be.
I spent this summer trying to make no more new attachments in order to leave fewer people I love behind and just have fun overall. The problem is that i only achieved one of these goals. It was an amazing summer and I came to love being around almost all of the people in it very much. It got to the point where (and knowing me, this is just weird) I would cry if i were alone for more than a few minutes (nights were the worst) because I realized that I was not going to see these people again for a year if ever. And my god is that a depressing thought. I finally reach a point in my life where I am so happy that I can feel myself smile for weeks at a time and by my own actions I was ripping it all away.
Maybe this is a good thing though. My three months in Spain were short. Some days I was so busy I would drop to my bed the next morning thoroughly exhausted (only to reawaken hours later for class) and others I would not leave the house. I felt a near invisible barrier between most of the other students and myself because they were all going home over 5 months before I was. I was jealous for some time before I started to pity them. My experience was just beginning, and they were flying back to the states.
The past 3 weeks have been one hell of an experience for me. I saw my family almost 3 months later to the hour but still don't entirely feel a part of them, nothing new there. I travel with just my brother for a stretch and came to realize (with the help of a friend) that he was scared shitless the entire time. I had never realized this would be his first time away from home. He fell back into the habits he had followed from k through when-i-left-the-house. This made me realize just how much I have changed, even just lately. Which gives rise to the list of shit I've done since leaving the house that would have shocked me.
1. gone clubbing
2. attended and liked parties
3. gotten drunk
4. hosted parties
5. enjoyed clubbing/bars/etc
6. smoked weed (in the middle of aldrich park, nontheless)
7. went to a rave
8. 4/20 in Balboa park
9. bought a vibrator
10. went to another rave
11. did E
12. gotten drunk with strangers
13. lied
14. followed strangers down dark alleys
15. saw hagia sophia with my own eyes
16. read a book in Chartres cathedral b/c i was bored
Now I am sitting here in an auberge in Chartres, France seperated from the people I know, from anyone that speaks English and quite frankly, I am doing all right. More than alright. I am happy. I do miss you all so much. And more than anything right now I wish I could have you all here with me rather than ever having to go back to Irvine, land of plastic and everlasting sunshine. But in 4 months and 6 days I will be in California, and I want a massive group hug that lasts 20 minutes followed by an apartment party with lots of beer pong. you have all been warned.
*edit
i fell asleep writing this, so everyone thinks i really fell asleep downstairs in front of the heater waiting for sevici to work again. i texted him on weds using suzannah's words (something about i'm sorry, forgive me?) and he said its okay and to come to the xmas swap tonight. now i get to find a <10 euro gift for a swap. gah.
my bones to pick with spain:
1. dog shit. the spaniards love their dogs. mainly because they show no affection to eachother whatsoever. and they also never clean up after these dogs. so it is absolutely necessary to watch where you step at every second.
2. no central heating. its mandated by law in the us. even in sunny socal. so why does it just not exist in spain where its cold as fuck 24/7? i haven't felt my toes in over a week. for all i know, they no longer exist. i also smell kind of bad b/c i shower half as much due to a fear of icicles forming on my hair.
3. last wednesday, one of the kiosks in the street fell 6 meters down into the construction for the metro tunnel. no one died, but a few hours later and that would have been hundreds of foreigners. and apparently that was not the first such accident
4. sad, sad public transportation. sevilla has a shitload of people, but the city is very compact. therefore, shuffling them all about 4x per day should be relatively simple. but the autobuses i see are all overcrowded and go in loops, as opposed to standing on the side of the street in the direction you need. they also tend to be small loops and rather pointless. there is a tram with only 3 stops total that goes about a kilometer. pointless... a metro that will never open, no parking whatsoever, and few enough streets to drive on if you try to drive, and sevici is very not dependable. usually, the bikes are not functioning, or there's a problem with the stand. and taxis are just plain mad expensive, like everywhere.
as long as i live through finals. i only have one legit class i need to study for. you have no idea how great that feeling is. right until i looked at the moer than an inch stack of reading i have barely scanned up til now. oh well.
if any of you should get the urge to visit me at any point this winter, i'm putting my itinerary on a facebook note, so you can just show up, since phones may not work so well.
and on the 'i am thankful for' poster last thursday, my paper hand cutout said 'potatoes & smiles from strangers'
1/3 of me wants to pack up and go home. quit straight out.
1/3 of me is asking what the hell is that other third thinking. this is spain, and soem of my happiest moments have been here
the remaining third is telling the other two to shut up since they'll reconcile soon anyway
if you haven't gotten a postcard by December, tell me
its really hard to go on facebook. because the pictures are either of lisbon/rondo/cordoba/sevilla, or they're of all of you. and places i should have been with all of you that i know i'm missing out on.
i'm finding myself wishing that i was on that cordoba program i wanted in the first place
but i know if i were i wouldn't have been satisfied
besides, i don't speak enough spanish yet
1. never ride a bicycle while wearing a thong
2. old ladies are not, i repeat NOT, sweet nor do they deserve any special allowances (ie go ahead)
3. there is no distinction whatsoever between streets, sidewalks, and bike lanes. Right of way goes to whoever will be hurt least by the impact.
4. tourists suck. bad
5. it is acceptable to grab someone's shoulder and move them out of your way when verbal methods fail
6. anyone wearing headphones with comfortable clothing is automatically a student, and therefore also a guidebook, no matter if they don't speak spanish
7. be direct. 'i would like' will get you nowhere' 'give me X' gets your shit
more to come...
sadly i will remember the 5th of november as the day half of california decided to strip away what are essentially constitutional rights. how much more selfish can a person get than to purposefully vote 'yes' for something like that? its one thing to vote against or abstain from a measure trying to legalize something, but its a whole different story to very specifically shut out a portion of your fellow citizens from obtaining something that does not affect you in the smallest bit whatsoever.
this has gotten me upset enough that i am now legitimately sad. that's not supposed to happen until february.
on another note, for halloween i didn't see a single ISA student. ended up at Sitio where i met another girl from CA who happens to like similar music/parties who introduced me to Beto, a spanish dude dressed as snow white. he said they were throwing his roomie a birthday party on weds and asked if i wanted to come and i said yes
all i want is a legit spanish friend
sadly, i think he might be thinking a little more. he's been tossing words like 'corazon' and 'amor' into texts lately. ugh. i'm not going to the party tonight b/c i'm in just plain a bitchy mood.
although if he were remotely attractive to me i would so go for him. when i told him why i wasn't going tonight, he asked if coming to his restaurant and getting a big chocolate cake would help.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i would also like to note that its cold as fuck here. and they have no heater.
ps. i'm homesick.
and pissed at the same time
there are people i am related to who voted for prop 8
and i want to bitch slap them
and never go home
And there is nothing to do here when its raining. jen and i realized this last week while boot shopping. siesta + rain = boredom. so we got my hair cut. for the first time in 2 years.
met a cool spaniard at sitio on halloween. and a ca girl from humboldt whose birthday is in june and who likes to dance to the same music i do...
i booked the tickets to istanbul today. yay. p. javier says he spent xmas there a few years ago and that its awesome. now i just have to figure out exactly where to get the visa.
its raining outside. again. hard.
my roomate is going to lagos. again. for halloween.
suzannah wants me to go on the booze cruise up the river. but i really don't feel like it. its just going to be more of the same.
i hate how no one here just goes out for tapas or just to watch flamenco or whatever. it always always ends on calle betis with half of ISA no matter the original intent. like, i still haven't bee to alameda, and that's supposed to be a better street that actually has spaniards. how much more pathetic can this lot get.
and if anyone ever decides to go to spain, you must love the following food items on everything: ham, eggs, olive oil, salt
mmmm
so when we go through the gates my guy says 'this is an example of 15th century arab architecture' and i'm thinking 'okay, sure. whatever you say.
then when they close the gates behind us. i get a little weirded out.
then i hear music. we walk into a bar. a private bar.
these guys are friends/cousins and live in a fucking 15th century arab palace a block from the cathedral.
omg. anyhoo, one girls disappeared almost instantly *cough* and the other 6 of us drank the night away, before taking a cab home around 7 am. i think they're heirs to some sort of bullfighting fortune. the house is literally covered in original artworks and artifacts.
our dog is cuddly and adorable
i bought my first pair of skinny jeans
and am wearing a very comfortable yet decent looking long sleeve shirt.
now i just need to learn to completely tolerate a few more of the isa people . . .
and meet some more spaniards
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